2 Major Discoveries I Made About Life while Learning to Act

After almost 2 years of learning to act, I feel as though I have woken up. The process involves a complete change in mindset, depending where you are when you start. Before I started, I was burnt-out, lost and was very self-conscious. Now, I am not quite as self-conscious as I used to be and am, instead, self-aware. I no longer see things in black and white, right or wrong; there's always a reason for everything, factual or not – the complete opposite to what I learnt growing up.

(Guy Pearce and Carrie-Anne Moss in Memento, a truly authentic and captivating film.)

I feel like I can breathe now. Life isn't sad, nor is it spectacular… I discovered that I believe life is simply just what it is. Using my left brain took too much energy and spirit from me. So now I ask you to choose your fighter: left brain or right brain.

The realisation of self

My first step was realising that my characters can have boundaries and preferences and be proud of it. So why can't I, Charlotte, who gets excited about life? These characters have all types of faults and strange talents, so why can't I own mine? I can say no and yes as I please, just as Yelena can finally say no to her abuser; and I can have my own tastes, like Jenny and the type of men she goes for. Thank you, girls, for being human.

When I left uni, I was going through a massive identity crisis. Am I a baddie? Am I a sweetie? Am I an elegant woman? Am I a studious woman? Am I good with kids? Animals? I felt as though I could go through all of them in a day. I couldn't find an answer. After a lot of working towards being in the moment, I have found out I am a sensitive person, receptive and calm; a cheerful person with wide-eyes; someone who finds art to be incredibly important. And now I need to stick with it and run with it. Because being calm doesn't mean I can't have a flare and being sensitive doesn't mean I can't balance myself out. I appreciate my tutor more than I show, for teaching me to accept myself, whether he knew he was doing so or not.

The realisation of life

My realisation of self came after figuring out my outlook on life. I think it's easier to figure out what we think of life rather than of outselves. Is it that we take life more seriously than ouselves? And as I mentioned earlier, life always comes back to what it is after all its ups and its downs, like a balancing act. That's what I believe life to be. Does that make sense? Not at all. You'll probably be able to understand what I'm saying through context, I guess.

It's a very personal process of discovery. I eventually caved in and admitted that I feel life in aesthetics – I don't know if anyone else feels this, but it's as if there is a specific feeling in every type of combination of my surroundings that are wuite difficult to describe. I'm currently having a glass of wine at the restaurant I work for and there's this huge sentiment of merriness. A lot of people are drinking and from their groomed appearance, they are of a higher class than myself but I still feel comfortale, as though I am at a house gathering at home. A breezy comfort. Classy, breezy comfort. I couldn't admit this stuff before, I was sure that it was weird or inconvenient in today's day and age; all these experiences that occur in my head come in the way of work. But, this kind of creative stuff is my true work; telling you guys about all the little feelings that you might not notice in your daily life.

(Saorise-Monica Jackson, Tommy Tiernan & Tara Lynne O'Neill from Derry Girls, one of my favourite shows that gives insight into school life during The Troubles.)

I guess this all goes with any form of art, really, but I can feel my identity and outlook on life physically, in my body, through my veins, down to my gut and I can show this best when performing with a cherished character. 'Just fucking accept it, okay? Let it in and you can deal with it while you work' is what I am sure I have told myself before. Acting seems to have eased my burnout and reinvigorated my soul. I am my core self again. It was a huge project: I did it for my characters and ended up benefitting from it myself.

Do you guys want a message, like from writer to reader? If you do want something, I would say that you don't have to take acting lessons in order to develop your sense of self (although I found them incredibly beneficial), but to find a way to accept yourself – there will be one, where you can use your qualities and flaws to your advantage.